A loss like no other

The loss that each of you has endured is a loss like no other. A mother's greatest fear is that something will happen to her child and you have faced that fear. You have endured that loss. You have heard the horrific news that your baby is no longer with you. You have stood still in shock. You have asked God, "Why?" You have cried more tears that you thought possible. You have attempted to pick up the pieces and live a new normal. You have relived the pain everyday as you think about what your baby would look like, be like now.

Dear one, you have endured a great loss. Give yourself permission to grieve that very real, very deep loss. This blog is designed to give you a place to find understanding, comfort, encouragement, and connection with other mothers who are aching to hold their babies.

You may have empty arms and a broken heart but you are not alone. We, at Ruah Touch, are here to listen, to comfort, and to help in any way we can. Please feel free to comment on blog posts and share your stories as well.

May the God of all comfort fill you with peace knowing that He is holding your baby safely in His arms as He holds you too.

Encouragement From Scripture

These verses, along with many others, have been a source of strength and comfort over the past few months. God speaks so clearly through His word. It truly is living and active. God has given me great strength and peace as He has spoken His truth over me through Scripture. I pray these verses will be an encouragement to you and a reminder that God loves you and He will never leave you.

“Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord, you his servants; praise the name of the Lord. Let the name of the Lord be praised, both now and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised. The Lord is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of his people. He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.” – Psalm 113

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" - Psalm 147:3

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." - I Peter 5:10

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." - I Peter 5:7

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" - Philippians 4:4-7

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:25-34

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." - Zephaniah 3:17

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." -Deuteronomy 31:8

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." - Psalm 55:22

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." - Matthew 11:28-29

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." - John 14:27

"Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations." - Deuteronomy 7:9

"And this is the confident that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us." - I John 5:14

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

"But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;" - Isaiah 43:1-3

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:9

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps." - Proverbs 16:9

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

The point of our pain is the point of our healing

While I know this was not God’s perfect will I also know He intends to bring good from it. I know that He wants to teach me many things through this pain and He already has. I would like to share just a few of those lessons that He is teaching me as He gives me strength to face the pain and uncertainty of the future.

The first and most difficult lesson is that I am not God and I am not in control. I can almost hear the collective, “duh,” as others are reading this. It is not like I had never realized that I was not God and that I was not in control but this was a deeper level of understanding of this lesson. From the moment I heard that we were miscarrying I have realized that this may be one of the first circumstances in my life in which I am really, truly not in control. Now I know that I am actually not in control of any circumstance, no matter how big or small, in my life. I realize that even when I think I’m in control that God is truly the one orchestrating and sustaining everything. However, I realized this was the first time that I could do nothing, that I had no hand in anything. When I looked back over other big moments in my life I definitely saw that God was in control but I still had some role to play, some job to do. This time was different. I could literally do nothing but rely on Him and trust that He knew what He was doing.

I am trying to put this lesson into practice every day as I wake up and surrender that day to Him. I had done this before the miscarriage but now it’s different. I think I mean it on a deeper level than I ever did before. It is the first time, at least that I can remember, that I really can only take life one day at a time. I don’t have the strength to look past today into tomorrow. I am beginning to understand the real meaning of Matthew 6:34, that tomorrow has enough trouble of its own.

I am also learning that it is far more about love than about trust. As the months passed by that we did not conceive I began to be consumed with the planning, with the desire, and with the fear. I realized that my whole relationship with God had revolved around my pain and desire for a baby for several months. I know that God wants to heal us and wants to hear the desires of our heart but it had become an idol in my life. As much as I didn’t want to admit it I needed to lay it down and repent. I had to ask myself, “Do you love Christ more than Abigail?”, “Do you love Him more than the baby you desire?”, and “Do you love him more than Dave and your desire to have a family with him?” These were hard questions. Of course my heart and my mind said, “YES! Of course I love Christ more than all of these things and everything else too,” but my actions answered differently. I had to hand it all over to Him and I am learning that His love for me is all I need. It is out of His love for me and my love for Him that I even begin to trust Him. I kept trying to make it work the other way around. I would try to trust Him and create love from that. He keeps teaching me about His love for me and my love for Him. It is a hard, painful lesson but so worth it. I keep praying that the Spirit will control my mind as Romans 8:6 says, "The mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." I really desire life and peace.

The Lord also gave me a renewed compassion for the lost and an eagerness to reach them. I spend most of my days surrounded by Christians. I am a campus minister so the bulk of my job is discipling and counseling believers. This is definitely part of our calling, to make disciples. However, I often lose touch with the other part of our calling, to go. I get pretty comfortable in my Christian bubble and rarely venture out. The last time I led someone to Christ was at a worship service on campus. So even in that instance the person was coming into my world rather than me reaching into theirs. As I have been mourning the loss of our baby girl and longing to see her face and hear her laugh God has struck my heart. It was as if he was telling me, “See how much your heart aches to be with your child. That is how I feel everyday when I watch my precious sons and daughters live life without me. That desperation to touch them, hear them laugh, and be in relationship with them is the pain I feel as I watch my children walk into eternity without me.” I got to see a glimpse of the Father’s heart for His babies. I have always seen God has Father but this was a new perspective. It broke my heart to think of how much He loves all of His children and how it must pain Him to not be in relationship with them. It made me want to bust my Christian bubble and get out there to help bring back my Fathers children.

In short, I am learning to release my all to God and just let Him have it. I am learning to keep my hands open and stop holding so tightly to my desires, even if they are from God. I am learning to cry out to Him every minute if necessary. I am learning to let God be for me what I can’t be for myself. I am learning to do what He asks us all to do, deny myself and take up my cross and follow Him. I am learning to just be still and know that He is God.

Remembering

Losing Abigail has been such a hard pain to deal with. I go throughout my day unsure if the person I’m interacting with knows of our story, of our baby who is in the arms of Christ. Part of me wants to shout it out for everyone to hear just so they know and so there is no more wondering. Part of me wants to speak of it only with those who I know understand and realize the deep loss. I go through my day finding it hard to be around other women who have newborns or are pregnant. I hate feeling that way. I hate having to distance myself from close friends during such a joyous occasion in their lives, but it is just too hard. It is too hard to watch my friends beam with excitement as they tell me about their pregnancies or their babies. I want so badly to be join in their joy, and while I am happy for them and so thankful for the health of their babies, I just can't put myself through that pain.

We have prayed for wisdom on how to deal with the void that Abigail left and God has given us several answers. I have a great friend that has suffered the loss of two children much farther along in pregnancy. In fact, she delivered both babies who were born to Heaven. I admired her strength then but now it seems more like a miracle than any doing of her own. Through her immense pain she has chosen to bring hope to others who have experienced similar losses. As soon as she heard of our miscarriage she e-mailed and told me she was going to attend a special event in my life that was set to take place 3 days after we found out about our loss. I was to be ordained to the ministry of the Gospel at our home church the Sunday after the miscarriage. My dear friend made the trip to our town and was there to support me, us, on that momentous day. She also brought with her a bag full of helpful and comforting resources on dealing with miscarriage and infant loss.

In this bag was a snowflake ornament that we put on our Christmas tree right at the top. It didn’t match the burgundy and gold color scheme as it was glittery white but I didn’t mind. It stuck out but I loved it. Every time I looked at the tree I thought of Abigail. Some days that brought joy and other days it brought deep sorrow.

Also in this bag was a glittery white butterfly ornament. I had already thought that the butterfly would be a great symbol to commemorate her life. I love 2 Corinthians 5:17 which says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” I have always thought butterflies depicted this transformation well. So we have a flower arrangement that sits in our office that we change seasonally but the piece that never changes is Abigail’s butterfly.

We also bought a wind chime with a beautiful butterfly on it and we hung it outside our bedroom window on our balcony. Every time the music plays I think of her. I think of her in the arms of Christ resting, praising Him, and enjoying His presence as He rejoices over her. I also think of what it would have been like to have continued to carry her, to see her on the ultra sound machine, to prepare for her, to buy her things, to hold her, to see her face, to rock her, to sing to her, to teach her about Jesus, to watch her daddy get wrapped around her finger, to hear her voice, and so many other things. I wonder if I will ever stop wondering what it would have been like to keep her. The same dear friend who brought us all of those comforting once said in her own blog that some days she feels like she has one foot here on Earth and one foot in Heaven. I definitely identify with that. There is a feeling that no matter what we do or even what comes next our family won’t really be complete until we are in Heaven.

On days that I feel like my arms are physically aching to hold her and it’s hard to make it through the day I start to think, “maybe it’s silly that I am hurting this much. I only had her for a few short weeks. There are so many others who have lost children much later in pregnancies or through their lives. Maybe I should be able to trust God more. Maybe I didn’t pray specifically or earnestly enough as we were trying or as soon as we found out.” My mind can spiral from all of those doubts and wonderings to all of my fears of the future.

In those desperate moments I have to remember the truth. I am hurting deeply because I love deeply. God created a life inside of me. She may have been very small and very young but she was still alive and she was still my baby. I have to fight the lies of the enemy that tell me that I should just get over it or blame myself or God for that matter. I have to fight his lies with the truth of Christ and His word which tells me that God is in control that He is working all things together for my good that He has good plans for me, that the desire for children is a holy one, and that He has never and will never let go.

God has used the short life of our baby girl to teach us so many things. I am sure I will go into more details on particular lessons in the future but one thing I want to share are the lessons He has taught us about grief. I’ve grieved before. I have gone through the steps. I have been in shock, denied, bargained, been angry, sad, and eventually accepted the loss. In fact I have been through that grief over losing my father when I was 18. I’m no stranger to grief, but God showed me something beautiful this time that I didn’t see in the past several losses I’ve endured. He showed me that He makes beauty of out ashes and that He wants us to face our pain and create something beautiful out of it.

I learned that I had to face the pain long enough to let it hurt; to let it sting so that I could see what God intended to teach me. I had to let beauty come from those ashes. I had to create something out of the pain. For me that took the form of writing, a lot of which you are reading right now and a lot of which are so tear stained that I’m not even sure what they say anymore. It took the form of music, dance, and nature for me. I sang a lot. I danced a lot. I enjoyed God through His creation.

For Dave it took different forms. Dave is very artistic and very good in my opinion. He has painted some beautiful things over the past few months as a release of his pain. He also wrote an incredibly sweet story titled Abigail’s Stocking. It is a children’s book that follows a family as they explain to their two children about the loss of their oldest sister who went to be with Jesus. It’s absolutely precious. He wrote it and illustrated it. I hope he will publish it one day. I think it would be helpful for families who have experienced a similar loss especially if they intend to explain it to their other children.

Our hope and our prayer is that through this pain and heart ache that God will be glorified. We pray that we will face the pain long enough to learn, to grow closer to Him and to each other. We pray that others will be pointed to Christ through our pain. We pray that beauty will come from these ashes.

Our story of loss

Over the past, almost 5 years, of our marriage one desire of our heart has remained consistent. We desire to have children and raise a family that is centered on Christ. We have been discussing and praying about the time to start trying for our family since the day we said I do. It has been a constant element in our prayer lives as we have sought the Lord for wisdom.

We have struggled with this desire for years as we have tried to discern the Father’s timing for us to become parents. At one point during our years together the desire was simply overwhelming for both of us. We saw that as even more confirmation from the Lord that this was His perfect timing. We began what we term as “actively trying to conceive.”

After months of trying we found out we were pregnant. We had spent the evening with several friends and were getting ready for bed when David suggested we take a pregnancy test. I was only 1 day late so I was reluctant to test just yet. We were too overcome with excitement to wait any longer so we tested. As we waited the dreaded 3 minutes for the results I couldn't help but think that we would get a positive reading. I had experienced several early symptoms of pregnancy over the past week but hadn't said much about them as I was trying not to get mine or David’s hopes us. We busied ourselves with folding laundry and tiding up the bedroom as we waited that longest 3 minutes I had ever experienced. We walked together to retrieve the test and we closed our eyes. We counted to 3 and then read the best news we had ever received…it was POSITIVE. We used the digital tests so it actually said PREGNANT.

We were thrilled, overjoyed, shocked, in awe, thankful beyond belief. We hugged, jumped up and down, cried, laughed, and stood in shock for a few minutes. We were simply ecstatic. Even though I sort of thought I might be pregnant I was still surprised. I have never seen Dave so excited about anything. I had known he had wanted a baby for a long time but I guess I just didn’t know how strong his desire to be a daddy was. He was thrilled.

We prayed and thanked God and stayed up late dreaming about this baby and our new family. Some friends of ours had given us several books about pregnancy many years ago so we started reading up on what our baby looked like at 4 weeks. I felt blessed to find out so early. We shared the news with our cat, of course we couldn’t tell anyone else yet but we had to share the news with someone. We called the Doctor the next day and scheduled a visit for around week 6.

The next week we spent dreaming, reading, planning, praying, and simply being in awe of this new life. I started noticing some more symptoms even though it was still early. We were just so excited we even looked at baby clothes and baby furniture.

Our new found joy and excitement came to a screaming halt only a few weeks later. It was a Friday and we both went to work as usual. I spent the morning visiting a lady in one of our ministry communities and then back on campus counseling a student. I took a restroom break when my heart skipped a beat. There was blood. I was scared, horrified, and hopeful at the same time. I began praying and pleading with God, “Please let this be something normal I don’t know about. Please don’t let this be what I think it is. Please protect this baby. Please don’t let this baby die. Please God, please, this can’t be happening.”

I raced out of the office telling one of our student workers that I had to leave and asked her to pray. Looking back, I’m sure I scared her to death. I ran to Wal-Mart to buy another pregnancy test just to make sure. I sped home, took the test, and got a positive reading. My heart was stilled for a moment. There was still blood and I started to cramp as well. I had read enough of the pregnancy books to know those weren’t good signs. I called the Doctor and explained to the nurse what had happened. There was silence for minute followed by a very concerned, “Oh, honey, you should come on in right now.” She was calm but it was easy to tell that she knew what was happening but didn’t want to say it either. My heart sank. I was still praying nonstop, pleading with the Lord to save this baby and to let this be some fluke.

I called Dave and tried to calmly tell him what was happening. He left work immediately and we drove to the Doctor. It was the longest 20 minute drive of my life. We were hopeful, trying to stay positive, and spouting off every medical thing we had read over the past week to try to explain what could be happening. It was too hard to think that it could be what our hearts feared the most.

We got right in to the Doctor and she asked several questions. She did an exam and a pregnancy test as well. She looked as us with much compassion and concern in her eyes and said, “We can’t be sure until we test your hormone levels again on Monday but I’m about 95% sure you are miscarrying.” It seemed like time stood still. I had only known this baby for a little more than a week but I had wanted her for a long, long time. I had prayed for her for years. I had labored over her with the Lord for the past several years, seeking His wisdom and perfect timing. I had already planned for her, already pictured her, already longed to hold her and teach her so many things. In that brief moment our lives changed forever.

The Doctor was great. She was very informative and very compassionate. She mourned with us and suggested we get some rest the weekend ahead. I was to come back that Monday for more tests. She said she presumed that my hormone levels would start dropping rapidly from this point on until they were back to normal. I continued to bleed, and miscarried naturally.

Almost as quickly as she came she was gone. I have experienced loss before, quite a bit of it actually, but none hurt quite like this. I counsel people through grief daily but in that moment all my counseling classes and psychology knowledge made no sense. All I could do was cry. I hurled myself across our bed and buried my face in the covers. I’m not sure I have ever cried that hard. My body hurt I cried so much and so hard. Dave held me and cried with me. It hurt even more to hear his pain. He was so brave, so strong, and so good. He called our families and told them. I could overhear the conversations and every time he explained it his voice would weaken and he would begin to cry which made me cry all the more.

I couldn’t bear it. I begged God to change it, to fix it but I knew His changing and fixing wouldn’t come in bringing that baby back. She was already in His arms, already safe and sound in the splendor of heaven, already praising God in fullness. I cried out to God trying to understand. I was angry, sad, scared, and totally overwhelmed. It’s such a weird feeling to be simultaneously angry at God and so desperate for His touch. I knew God hadn’t done this to us. I knew that He would heal us, that He would get us through this, that He would even use it to draw us closer to each other and to Him, but in that moment it hurt worse than any pain I had ever felt.

My arms literally ached for her. My heart and womb felt so empty. I just wanted her back. I just wanted to rewind a few days and remember how joyous it was to have this incredible life inside of me. We couldn’t bear the thought of staying in our house that night so we drove first to share the news with a very close family friend, mentor, and co-laborer for the gospel. It was actually my boss and his wife. She was the only one home when we came to tell her but she held us and cried with us. We then drove an hour to stay with my mother. She grieved with us but provided a great source of comfort as well. It was good to be with her in that moment. We needed someone else to hold us up.

I spent that night in and out of sleep trying to forget the pain. Every time I would wake up I would think maybe it was just a bad dream, maybe it’s all okay. Then I would have to face the reality of the pain all over again. It was miserable. But even in the midst of that entire pain, confusion, and heart ache I felt God in a very real way.

The next day we shared the news with some very close friends and several of our church family. They all surrounded us with love, support, and prayers. We are truly grateful for the body of believers God has blessed us with. He provided peace and comfort through many of them.

Over the next few days the realness of our situation began to sink it. We both took off 3 days from work to finish out the doctor visits and simply recuperate. I canceled all of my counseling meetings with students and simply focused on paperwork at work. I didn’t think I could be very present to the students when I was suffering so much inside.

One night that week only a few days after our baby went to be with the Lord I had a vision. I am still not certain if it was a vision or a dream but I am very confident it was from the Lord. It was very clear and very real. I saw Jesus holding our baby and it was a beautiful little girl (that’s why I have referred to “her”) She was absolutely gorgeous, just precious. He leaned over and showed her too me and spoke the name “Abigail.” That is all he said. The vision was short but so real. I woke up longing to hold that beautiful baby but comforted that she was resting in the arms of the one that was holding me too. That made me feels close to her.

We have had a possible baby name list for years but Abigail was not on the list. I have always liked that name but just had not considered it. I am always very interested in the meaning behind names and woke up eager to look up the meaning of Abigail. I was overwhelmed when I discovered it. It means, “The Father is Rejoicing.”

I was overcome with joy when I read it. I couldn’t wait to tell Dave that I got to see our baby and it was a girl and that God named her Abigail. It was incredible.  I will never forget what she looked like and the joy on His face as He held her.

The meaning of her name brought truth to our lives. I don’t understand it but I am in awe that the Father is simultaneously grieving and hurting with us as He is rejoicing over her. He is rejoicing because He has her and because He sees the big picture. He knows what He is going to do with this loss, pain, and devastation in our life. He sees the outcome. He sees how He will work it together for our good. The Father truly is rejoicing.