Over the past, almost 5 years, of our marriage one desire of our heart has remained consistent. We desire to have children and raise a family that is centered on Christ. We have been discussing and praying about the time to start trying for our family since the day we said I do. It has been a constant element in our prayer lives as we have sought the Lord for wisdom.
We have struggled with this desire for years as we have tried to discern the Father’s timing for us to become parents. At one point during our years together the desire was simply overwhelming for both of us. We saw that as even more confirmation from the Lord that this was His perfect timing. We began what we term as “actively trying to conceive.”
We were thrilled, overjoyed, shocked, in awe, thankful beyond belief. We hugged, jumped up and down, cried, laughed, and stood in shock for a few minutes. We were simply ecstatic. Even though I sort of thought I might be pregnant I was still surprised. I have never seen Dave so excited about anything. I had known he had wanted a baby for a long time but I guess I just didn’t know how strong his desire to be a daddy was. He was thrilled.
We prayed and thanked God and stayed up late dreaming about this baby and our new family. Some friends of ours had given us several books about pregnancy many years ago so we started reading up on what our baby looked like at 4 weeks. I felt blessed to find out so early. We shared the news with our cat, of course we couldn’t tell anyone else yet but we had to share the news with someone. We called the Doctor the next day and scheduled a visit for around week 6.
The next week we spent dreaming, reading, planning, praying, and simply being in awe of this new life. I started noticing some more symptoms even though it was still early. We were just so excited we even looked at baby clothes and baby furniture.
Our new found joy and excitement came to a screaming halt only a few weeks later. It was a Friday and we both went to work as usual. I spent the morning visiting a lady in one of our ministry communities and then back on campus counseling a student. I took a restroom break when my heart skipped a beat. There was blood. I was scared, horrified, and hopeful at the same time. I began praying and pleading with God, “Please let this be something normal I don’t know about. Please don’t let this be what I think it is. Please protect this baby. Please don’t let this baby die. Please God, please, this can’t be happening.”
I raced out of the office telling one of our student workers that I had to leave and asked her to pray. Looking back, I’m sure I scared her to death. I ran to Wal-Mart to buy another pregnancy test just to make sure. I sped home, took the test, and got a positive reading. My heart was stilled for a moment. There was still blood and I started to cramp as well. I had read enough of the pregnancy books to know those weren’t good signs. I called the Doctor and explained to the nurse what had happened. There was silence for minute followed by a very concerned, “Oh, honey, you should come on in right now.” She was calm but it was easy to tell that she knew what was happening but didn’t want to say it either. My heart sank. I was still praying nonstop, pleading with the Lord to save this baby and to let this be some fluke.
I called Dave and tried to calmly tell him what was happening. He left work immediately and we drove to the Doctor. It was the longest 20 minute drive of my life. We were hopeful, trying to stay positive, and spouting off every medical thing we had read over the past week to try to explain what could be happening. It was too hard to think that it could be what our hearts feared the most.
We got right in to the Doctor and she asked several questions. She did an exam and a pregnancy test as well. She looked as us with much compassion and concern in her eyes and said, “We can’t be sure until we test your hormone levels again on Monday but I’m about 95% sure you are miscarrying.” It seemed like time stood still. I had only known this baby for a little more than a week but I had wanted her for a long, long time. I had prayed for her for years. I had labored over her with the Lord for the past several years, seeking His wisdom and perfect timing. I had already planned for her, already pictured her, already longed to hold her and teach her so many things. In that brief moment our lives changed forever.
The Doctor was great. She was very informative and very compassionate. She mourned with us and suggested we get some rest the weekend ahead. I was to come back that Monday for more tests. She said she presumed that my hormone levels would start dropping rapidly from this point on until they were back to normal. I continued to bleed, and miscarried naturally.
Almost as quickly as she came she was gone. I have experienced loss before, quite a bit of it actually, but none hurt quite like this. I counsel people through grief daily but in that moment all my counseling classes and psychology knowledge made no sense. All I could do was cry. I hurled myself across our bed and buried my face in the covers. I’m not sure I have ever cried that hard. My body hurt I cried so much and so hard. Dave held me and cried with me. It hurt even more to hear his pain. He was so brave, so strong, and so good. He called our families and told them. I could overhear the conversations and every time he explained it his voice would weaken and he would begin to cry which made me cry all the more.
I couldn’t bear it. I begged God to change it, to fix it but I knew His changing and fixing wouldn’t come in bringing that baby back. She was already in His arms, already safe and sound in the splendor of heaven, already praising God in fullness. I cried out to God trying to understand. I was angry, sad, scared, and totally overwhelmed. It’s such a weird feeling to be simultaneously angry at God and so desperate for His touch. I knew God hadn’t done this to us. I knew that He would heal us, that He would get us through this, that He would even use it to draw us closer to each other and to Him, but in that moment it hurt worse than any pain I had ever felt.
My arms literally ached for her. My heart and womb felt so empty. I just wanted her back. I just wanted to rewind a few days and remember how joyous it was to have this incredible life inside of me. We couldn’t bear the thought of staying in our house that night so we drove first to share the news with a very close family friend, mentor, and co-laborer for the gospel. It was actually my boss and his wife. She was the only one home when we came to tell her but she held us and cried with us. We then drove an hour to stay with my mother. She grieved with us but provided a great source of comfort as well. It was good to be with her in that moment. We needed someone else to hold us up.
I spent that night in and out of sleep trying to forget the pain. Every time I would wake up I would think maybe it was just a bad dream, maybe it’s all okay. Then I would have to face the reality of the pain all over again. It was miserable. But even in the midst of that entire pain, confusion, and heart ache I felt God in a very real way.
The next day we shared the news with some very close friends and several of our church family. They all surrounded us with love, support, and prayers. We are truly grateful for the body of believers God has blessed us with. He provided peace and comfort through many of them.
Over the next few days the realness of our situation began to sink it. We both took off 3 days from work to finish out the doctor visits and simply recuperate. I canceled all of my counseling meetings with students and simply focused on paperwork at work. I didn’t think I could be very present to the students when I was suffering so much inside.
One night that week only a few days after our baby went to be with the Lord I had a vision. I am still not certain if it was a vision or a dream but I am very confident it was from the Lord. It was very clear and very real. I saw Jesus holding our baby and it was a beautiful little girl (that’s why I have referred to “her”) She was absolutely gorgeous, just precious. He leaned over and showed her too me and spoke the name “Abigail.” That is all he said. The vision was short but so real. I woke up longing to hold that beautiful baby but comforted that she was resting in the arms of the one that was holding me too. That made me feels close to her.
We have had a possible baby name list for years but Abigail was not on the list. I have always liked that name but just had not considered it. I am always very interested in the meaning behind names and woke up eager to look up the meaning of Abigail. I was overwhelmed when I discovered it. It means, “The Father is Rejoicing.”
I was overcome with joy when I read it. I couldn’t wait to tell Dave that I got to see our baby and it was a girl and that God named her Abigail. It was incredible. I will never forget what she looked like and the joy on His face as He held her.
The meaning of her name brought truth to our lives. I don’t understand it but I am in awe that the Father is simultaneously grieving and hurting with us as He is rejoicing over her. He is rejoicing because He has her and because He sees the big picture. He knows what He is going to do with this loss, pain, and devastation in our life. He sees the outcome. He sees how He will work it together for our good. The Father truly is rejoicing.
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