While I know this was not God’s perfect will I also know He intends to bring good from it. I know that He wants to teach me many things through this pain and He already has. I would like to share just a few of those lessons that He is teaching me as He gives me strength to face the pain and uncertainty of the future.
The first and most difficult lesson is that I am not God and I am not in control. I can almost hear the collective, “duh,” as others are reading this. It is not like I had never realized that I was not God and that I was not in control but this was a deeper level of understanding of this lesson. From the moment I heard that we were miscarrying I have realized that this may be one of the first circumstances in my life in which I am really, truly not in control. Now I know that I am actually not in control of any circumstance, no matter how big or small, in my life. I realize that even when I think I’m in control that God is truly the one orchestrating and sustaining everything. However, I realized this was the first time that I could do nothing, that I had no hand in anything. When I looked back over other big moments in my life I definitely saw that God was in control but I still had some role to play, some job to do. This time was different. I could literally do nothing but rely on Him and trust that He knew what He was doing.
I am trying to put this lesson into practice every day as I wake up and surrender that day to Him. I had done this before the miscarriage but now it’s different. I think I mean it on a deeper level than I ever did before. It is the first time, at least that I can remember, that I really can only take life one day at a time. I don’t have the strength to look past today into tomorrow. I am beginning to understand the real meaning of Matthew 6:34, that tomorrow has enough trouble of its own.
I am also learning that it is far more about love than about trust. As the months passed by that we did not conceive I began to be consumed with the planning, with the desire, and with the fear. I realized that my whole relationship with God had revolved around my pain and desire for a baby for several months. I know that God wants to heal us and wants to hear the desires of our heart but it had become an idol in my life. As much as I didn’t want to admit it I needed to lay it down and repent. I had to ask myself, “Do you love Christ more than Abigail?”, “Do you love Him more than the baby you desire?”, and “Do you love him more than Dave and your desire to have a family with him?” These were hard questions. Of course my heart and my mind said, “YES! Of course I love Christ more than all of these things and everything else too,” but my actions answered differently. I had to hand it all over to Him and I am learning that His love for me is all I need. It is out of His love for me and my love for Him that I even begin to trust Him. I kept trying to make it work the other way around. I would try to trust Him and create love from that. He keeps teaching me about His love for me and my love for Him. It is a hard, painful lesson but so worth it. I keep praying that the Spirit will control my mind as Romans 8:6 says, "The mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." I really desire life and peace.
The Lord also gave me a renewed compassion for the lost and an eagerness to reach them. I spend most of my days surrounded by Christians. I am a campus minister so the bulk of my job is discipling and counseling believers. This is definitely part of our calling, to make disciples. However, I often lose touch with the other part of our calling, to go. I get pretty comfortable in my Christian bubble and rarely venture out. The last time I led someone to Christ was at a worship service on campus. So even in that instance the person was coming into my world rather than me reaching into theirs. As I have been mourning the loss of our baby girl and longing to see her face and hear her laugh God has struck my heart. It was as if he was telling me, “See how much your heart aches to be with your child. That is how I feel everyday when I watch my precious sons and daughters live life without me. That desperation to touch them, hear them laugh, and be in relationship with them is the pain I feel as I watch my children walk into eternity without me.” I got to see a glimpse of the Father’s heart for His babies. I have always seen God has Father but this was a new perspective. It broke my heart to think of how much He loves all of His children and how it must pain Him to not be in relationship with them. It made me want to bust my Christian bubble and get out there to help bring back my Fathers children.
In short, I am learning to release my all to God and just let Him have it. I am learning to keep my hands open and stop holding so tightly to my desires, even if they are from God. I am learning to cry out to Him every minute if necessary. I am learning to let God be for me what I can’t be for myself. I am learning to do what He asks us all to do, deny myself and take up my cross and follow Him. I am learning to just be still and know that He is God.
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